I Just Fired My Therapist

It has officially been one year since I started seeing my RE for infertility treatment. As someone who is prone to… I won’t call it depression, but instead a range of sad emotions and the tendency to get stuck in that mindset- it has been an incredibly difficult year emotionally. With two failed IUIs, two mini IVFs, an embryo transfer that resulted in a biochemical pregnancy, and the recent diagnosis of a clotting disorder, not to mention our robbery in November, I haven’t been in the best place. So, I decided to start seeing a therapist. I asked my general physician to refer me to a psychologist, preferably someone who had experience with infertility.

Enter Dr. L. I had my first appointment last week. I don’t know what it is about therapy, but it’s just somewhere that encourages crying. I was already near tears before I was even called back from the waiting room. I entered the office, and there was a couch for me, with… a dog on it. Seriously?! She had to scoot the dog over to make room for me on the couch. Then she sat in some weird leather lounge chair, leaned back, and expected me to talk.

So I talked. I started with the most recent issue of the clotting disorder and how it related to my infertility. Dr. L then asked me if I would consider surrogacy. What the heck!? I told her no, that surrogacy was not something I was ready or needed to consider at that time. I shook off the surrogacy comment, and continued to discuss the clotting disorder. Specifically, the nagging feeling that I should be telling my birth family about the issue because they might be unaware of the risks it could cause to their health. This lead to a conversation about my adoption and the relationship with my birth mother. She then asked how long it had been since I had contacted my REAL mother. Again, what the heck? I corrected her and said that my birth mother was basically a surrogate for my adoption, and my real mother was the person who raised me. After my session, I became really angry about this one. What if we aren’t able to conceive and need to adopt to complete our family? Will the birth mom be the real mother in that case? What does that mean for me? I don’t believe this for a second and I’m floored that she would be so insensitive. A mother is the person who raises the child, not the person who gave birth to them. Unfortunately, the story doesn’t end here…

I continued to talk, and told Dr. L about my recent chemical pregnancy, and this was when the tears really started to flow. She explained that even though the pregnancy lasted a few days, it really was the loss of a child, and that I needed to grieve this loss. She suggested doing so by journaling about the loss, as well as the hopes I had for this child. I had to write in an actual journal and not in a blog, because apparently the act of writing with an instrument engages the brain more. Ok, this was good advice. We were finally getting somewhere.

Then, out of nowhere, Dr. L asked HOW LONG I HAVE BEEN THIS SIZE! Excuse me!?!? What does my weight have to do with the fact that I’m not coping well with all that I’ve been through? She said that the wheat in this country is full of bad chemicals because of Monsanto, and that sugar and bad carbs are directly linked to depression and anxiety. It was really weird, and felt like she was pushing her own personal agenda onto me. Oh, and because I was crying she insisted that I was depressed. She told me that I needed to be in my best physical shape in order to have a successful transfer and pregnancy, and even suggested that I put off my IVF until I lost weight.

As someone who is already struggles with body image issues, this was really hard to sit through. If I wanted weight loss advice I would go to a nutritionist. I came to her for coping strategies. Because she had brought up my diet, I asked how to shift my view of food and exercise, because I know that the way I think isn’t normal. I see food as comfort or a reward, and exercise as punishment for being fat. She didn’t have a thing to say to help with this, and just insisted that I needed to eat well (organic) and exercise.

I left my first session with Dr. L feeling pretty confused, but I was willing to give her another chance. I journaled for a few days about my loss, but it started to feel really repetitive. The hopes I had for the baby that I lost are the same hopes I still have for when I become a mother. I decided to go back on a South Beach style diet, and lost one pound before my next session, which was yesterday.

I walk in for my appointment and was greeted by her fluffy white dog, who immediately started GROWLING at me. Dr. L came out after about a minute of this and took the dog back to her office, and told me she’ll be with me in a minute. Again, therapists office=tears, so I was near tears, but this time it was because her dog had growled at me for no reason. When I got to her office, the dog was on the couch in the available seat (again), and she had to move it so that I could sit down.

I began the session by talked to Dr. L about a fight I had with my mom the previous weekend. I had been at my parents house for dinner on Saturday, and I was talking to my brother about dealing with the insurance agency to replace our stolen belongings. I was told him that I felt screwed over by our insurance because we have to replace everything and then ask for a reimbursement. Instead of taking my side, or even just listening, my mom interrupted the conversation to tell me that I was being unfair to the insurance agency, and that they’re just protecting their interests. I was pretty angry, but just sat there because it was my brothers birthday weekend and he was in from out of town. After a few minutes of silence from me my mom told me to stop pouting. After I told this story to Dr. L, she said that I need to be in the most positive space possible for my upcoming IVF, and that I should try to not see my mom in the weeks leading up to my procedure. Excuse me!? Yes, this was a bad instance, but I think everyone has moments like this with their parents. 90% of the time my mom and I get along really, really well. She is a main part of my support system for my infertility, and Dr. L told me to not see her. How about some strategies to deal with instances like this? That could have been useful.

Dr. L asked how I was feeling about my upcoming IVF, and I told her that I wanted to be excited, but at this point I was mostly nervous and worried. I told her about the transfer and how painful it was. She said it sounded like rape, which was a really weird thing to say. Again, I only got one useful piece of advice from the whole session, which was to ask my RE if I could have something to help me be calm for the transfer, and also something for the pain, so that the transfer would be less traumatic.

Then, Dr. L spent the next 20 minutes going on about my diet and exercise. I asked again for advice to help with my views on food and exercise, and she offered nothing. I asked for coping strategies to get me through the battle with infertility, and I got no response, just a nod. I left the second session feeling like I wasn’t sure I should continue seeing her. I talked to my friend C that night, since she has gone to school for marriage and family therapy. She said this lady is a nut job and to stop seeing her and find someone else. I called Dr. L today and told her that the services she was offering were not what I was looking for, and asked her to remove me from her schedule. I also told her to not call me back.

So, that’s the story of why I had to fire my therapist.

I was making flannel babies for my preschool storytime, and I accidentally made a baby Trump.