Utter Relief

Last Monday I went to therapy expecting my usual session. I would tell her how awful I had been feeling about my failed FET, and we would talk about adoption, and maybe spend some time on how my mom has been reacting to my news. We did go over all of that, but my therapist said a few things that caused something amazing to happen.

She asked me if I’ve been feeling alone, and I said I have, although it was hard to pinpoint why since I have such a supportive husband. She also asked what my hubby thought about the decision not to adopt, and I said I figured he was supportive, although as usual he didn’t actually say much. All of this made me realize that I really didn’t know how hubby was doing or what he was feeling. I knew he was supportive of me, but maybe I hadn’t been communicating with him very well.

So, when I got home I asked hubby what his thoughts were on adoption. I told him to disregard anything I had said and my feelings, and asked if he wanted to adopt. He said that he did. That he really wants to be a father. Honestly, I had no idea that it was important to him. He never said anything to me about it, and was never interested in other people’s kids.

I asked him why he hadn’t said anything, or mentioned any of this when I’ve poured my heart out to him in the past. And his answer, my friends, I think qualifies him as the best husband in the world. He said that he didn’t want to tell me how much he wanted kids because he did not want me to carry that guilt if I’m not able to conceive.

We talked some more about adoption, and I told him why I’m so worried about it. Not just the difficulties of raising an adopted child, but also the cost, the home inspections (our house is currently a construction zone), and the fact that receiving a baby is not a guarantee that you will get to raise that child since the birth mom has up to a year to change her mind. He said that all of my reasoning sounded logical, and that I was probably right. But, adoption is back on the table for now.

Somehow, I had gotten it into my head that my husband didn’t care if we ever had children. So, in essence I was doing all of the IF treatments for myself, so that I could have a child- not so that we could be parents. I didn’t even realize that I’d come to this conclusion until last week. But, thinking back, I’ve felt this way for a really long time. I’ve been so exhausted because I’ve felt entirely alone.

I don’t feel alone anymore, and I can’t begin to describe how great that feels. Yes, there is the fear that if we cannot have a child, I will be letting down myself and my husband. But, we will get through it together, because I now know that we both want the same thing. I feel a renewed sense of purpose, and I have the energy to move forward.

FET #2- Aware of My Infertility

I got the call this afternoon that my beta came back negative. The transfer didn’t work. I’m not pregnant- again. For those of you who have been there, you know the heartbreak and devastation. The hopelessness.

I was on desk at work when I got the call (it came through on my watch so I picked up my cell in the back office). All of my coworkers were at lunch at the time, so I had to continue to hold it together for another 20 minutes. As soon as my coworker S came back from her break and saw my face, she knew I’d gotten bad news. I’d already decided that I was going home as soon as I could because I was in need of a breakdown.

I got home and completely lost it. Like, crying so hard I couldn’t even breathe. Now I’m just sitting here feeling… numb. And oh so aware of my Infertility, just in time for Infertility Awareness week.

I’m aware of my Infertility:

  • When I see the moms who come into my library going through their second or even third pregnancies while I have yet to become a mother.
  • When I think of taking my sharps containers to the pharmacy.
  • When I look at all the bruises I sustained this cycle.
  • When my guest room doesn’t change into a nursary.
  • When I don’t get a child tax credit, but do get a tax break because my medical expenses are more than 10% of my income.
  • When I see my sagging belly and feel my feet widening, and know it’s from age, not from pregnancy.
  • When I see the pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, and proud pictures from parents on social media.
  • When coworkers talk about their kids or grandkids.
  • When I realize that without a little one, my house is empty, and so is a part of my heart.
  • When I grapple with the idea that no matter what we do, there is a chance we will never become parents.
  • When hubby buys a new car, and we mention that there would be room for twins, but neither of us believing that could happen.
  • When I grapple again to try to move past my heartbreak and prepare myself to go through this all over again.

FET #2: The Capuchin Transfer

Just look in the right-hand side of that picture! It totally looks like a little Capuchin monkey face! 

Finally, finally I’ve had another FET!! After a year and a half we transferred two embryos on Tuesday. The transfer went rather smoothly, and wasn’t painful, which was a nice change from my first transfer.

Hubby and I woke up at 6:00am so he could administer my PIO 4 hours before my scheduled transfer time of 10:00am. After my heparin, cronine gel, and other meds, I was ready to hit the road. I actually bothered to dress normally for the day of my transfer. Usually for my retrievals, and for my last transfer as well, I go with my hair pulled back and wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt. I decided to do things a bit differently this time and wore a nicer top, jeans, straightened my hair, and did my makeup. I wanted to look my best to meet my embies (ridiculous, I know!).

After getting gas (and McDonald’s breakfast) for the 90 minute drive, we were on our way. It was drizzling, and people in California can never seem to remember how to drive in the rain. About halfway to the surgery center we had a police officer slow down traffic in front of us, and about a mile after that there was a really bad accident with a car upside down off of an embankment. The aforementioned police officer was responding to that accident, so we were able to get past it rather quickly.

We got to my appointment at the requested time of 9:15, and I had drank 40oz of liquid while in the car. My bladder didn’t feel full, but with that much liquid I figured it must have been fuller than it felt. At 9:45 they took me back to check my bladder, and it wasn’t nearly full enough, so they handed me two 20oz bottles of water and told me to start drinking. I drank most of it in about 10 minutes, and literally felt like the water was going to come gushing back up my throat. And I still didn’t feel like I had to pee. The dr arrived at 10:15 (he’d gotten caught in the traffic from the accident), and his nurse Debbie, who I love, suggested I start pacing to see if that could get things moving a bit more. After 15 minutes of pacing they called me back at 10:30. I still didn’t feel an urgent need to go, but the ultrasound revealed that my bladder was “perfect”.

Hubby and I got into our gowns, and I stripped down from the waist down (but kept on my lucky owl socks from TMM). I was given a picture of our embies, and to me they looked perfect. My dr doesn’t ever talk about embryo grades, so I don’t have that info, but the looked like they were pretty well dividing.

IMG_3252 2.JPG

They double checked my name bracelet and had me sign some paperwork, and then the dr was in the office, the speculum and catheter were inserted (with no pain!!), and before I knew it my two embies were safely in my uterus. I lay on the bed for 15 minutes, and then was allowed to pee and be on my way.

By this time we were ready for lunch, so we went to one of our favorite restaurants to split a burger and share a dessert.

Then we went drove home and went to our local urgent care. On Monday I was moving some furniture at work, and my hand was in the wrong place and got pinched between the heavy wooden desk we were moving and the metal door frame. It immediately went numb, and then the side of my finger swelled to twice it’s size within minutes. A day later the site of the impact was still numb, and most the back of my hand felt like it was asleep. After an hour wait we were finally called back, and the urgent care dr pretty much just turned around, saying that I shouldn’t use my own money for anything related to this and needed to see a workman comp dr. I did see a work dr on Wed, and they took X-rays and said my hand should be fine, but to come back next week if the numbness persists. It hasn’t gone away yet, but at least the numbness has localized to the bruise on my finger.

Pic on the left is from Monday night, and the pick on the right is from today.

After the appointment we went home and I took a nap with cats, then we spent the evening binge watching Game of Thrones. It was actually a really good day.

I’ve continued to feel entirely calm about everything. I’m officially halfway through my 6 day wait, and my beta is scheduled on Monday. I only had a minor bit of anxiety today when I imagined trying to get through my work day if my beta is negative, but I have supportive co-workers and I’m sure I’ll be fine.

Oh, before I finish, I have to mention again how much I HATE heparin. The bruising at the areas where I’m injecting are getting terrible. The bruise on the left side of my belly isn’t too bad, but the right side is about 4x the size, and it itches.

Well, wish me luck for a calm weekend. Tomorrow we’re participating in our local Science March, and are having some friends over for dinner. Sunday we plan to drive to see a few used cars in hopes of replacing hubby’s truck. I’ll test on Monday before work, and should have an update on Monday night.

Have a lovely weekend! *hugs*

FET- One Week Away

Hi all, I know it has been forever. I know I’m constantly saying that I’ll blog more. But, I’ve come to realize that blogging is no different than when I tried to keep a journal growing up. I suck at it. But, I wanted to try writing up a brief update, both for my own records, and in case anyone is curious what has been happening in my life.

We’ll start with the most obvious choice- infertility. After what feels like forever (and I guess 6 months is a hell of a long wait), my FET is Tuesday, April 18 @11:00am. Everything has been going well, all my ultrasounds have been good, and the meds have been kind to me. Just hot flashes and a bit of moodiness from the estrogen. I start PIO and Heparin on Thursday. I’ve been told to ice for 15 minutes before and after the Heparin, which would be inconvenient with my normal morning routine of going to the gym and then dashing around to get out of the house on time. However, this won’t be an issue if the FET is a success, and I won’t need the Heparin if the FET doesn’t work.

I can’t articulate how I’m feeling about everything. I feel like I should be worried, but I’m not. I did ask my RE about taking something such as a valium before the transfer, but he said he doesn’t like his patients to be on meds. I trust him, so I told him I’ll try it again with nothing this round, but if it’s as bad as my transfer of Dec 2015, I’m going to insist on meds if we have to do this again. He agreed. I’ve also decided to just go with the drs timeline, which means early beta. Whatever will be, will be, and I’m letting go of any illusion of control. I’ll be fine. But dear god I hope it works out this time.

Hubby and I have been tirelessly working on our yard. Our fence fell down in January, an we’ve had to rebuild a retaining wall before we could put up a new fence. Both projects are done and we now have a fence along the back of our property. Now to build fences on both sides of the back yard, landscape, and then build ranch fencing and landscape the front yard. Oh, and install gutters. Oh, and replace our flooring inside. Once the projects start they never seem to let up. We were married for 6 years and ignored all of the pending projects, and now it’s crunch time. But, we’ll be fine, and I can never say that I don’t have anything to do.

My friend visited in the beginning of March. I’ve mentioned her on a number of occasions, and was really nervous about her visit. Partly because she’s pregnant and just dating someone. I don’t usually like being wrong, but I was very wrong about how this weekend turned out. It was great! She was happier and more calm than I’ve ever seen her. Her boyfriend was incredibly nice, and the whole weekend was enjoyable. It probably helped that earlier in the week before they visited, she and I had a talk and she asked me how I would like her to handle telling me about things related to her pregnancy. I was shocked and moved that she’d brought it up. I suggested that she let me bring up the topic, and she agreed.

So, a lot going on, but it’s all good. I’ll do my best to update after my FET, but if I don’t, I expect I’ll be writing another entry when I found out my beta results. *hugs* to everyone.

Wait for Transfer- an Update

I need to stop taking such long breaks between posts- so much has happened and it’s hard to keep track. I’m going to break up this post into sections to make sure I cover everything:

Polyp Removal

On Jan 9 I had my consult with my OB for polyp removal. I figured I would have to wait awhile for surgery, but I was able to get scheduled for a uterine polyp removal on Jan 19. The waiting period passed quickly, and before I knew it I was walking into the hospital for my surgery.

A spot of bright news is that this was mostly covered by insurance, so after deductible the cost was less than $700. This was the first time I’ve had an IV, and the first time I’ve been put under for a surgery. The only other time I’ve been under anesthesia is for dental work, which is an entirely different experience. For my polyp surgery the IV felt odd and I was afraid to move my hand, and when they finally gave me the anesthesia I was out cold within seconds. I woke to a lot of bleeding, but very little pain. The bleeding lasted for about 5 days, but it was hard to distinguish what was actually from surgery because my period had started the day before surgery. I had my two week follow up and although she didn’t do an ultrasound, she said it seemed like I was fine and I was released.

On a side note I’ve decided to find another OB. In the past I’ve only dealt with the NP for this practice and she was ok but not great, and I had the same feeling about the Dr. She seemed to just be going through the motions, and I need someone who is going to be a bit more involved.

Post-Easter Transfer

The same day that I was released by my OB, I got a call from my REs office. They have scheduled my transfer for April 18. Fortunately I was already expecting a long wait, so I wasn’t TOO upset about the delayed schedule. I started BC on Feb 15, and will continue this until Mar 20. Then I’ll start Lupron, and work up to my other meds in April. It’s a long wait, but I’m hopeful that it will be worth it.

KM- Welcome Baby Luke

Two days before my polyp removal I received a text from my friend KM. It was a picture of her new son. I’m so ecstatic for her because she has been through so much to have a second child. She and I had been texting the night before, and apparently about an hour after I fell asleep she started having contractions. By the time she got to the hospital, she was fully in labor and had her son 40 minutes later.

I went to visit her last weekend and got to meet baby Luke. He is incredibly adorable, and one of the sweetest, most calm babies I’ve encountered. The weekend also included watching her 5 year old son Evan in his first ever dance competition. One of the darn cutest things I’ve ever seen!!

CA Storms

If you aren’t living in a cave, you’re probably aware that we’ve had some massive storms hit in the state of California. Most states can handle this sort of weather, but in CA our weather is so temperate, and thus storms like this cause a lot of damage. Personally, we had our fence fall down in a storm in late January. Also, our front window has been leaking into the wall. Luckily we had refinanced with the fencing expense in mind back in December, so we’re slowly chipping away at rebuilding a fence around our entire property. Goodbye free weekends. However, with stories of trees falling on cars and houses, sinkholes, mudslides, and flooding, I’m grateful that the storm has only given us some minor inconveniences.

Why her!???!

You may remember me talking about a friend in my last entry. Someone who was once a close friend, who I have had a difficult relationship over the last few years. In November she revealed that she and her boyfriend of one year were TTC and had just experienced a miscarriage. Well, in January she reveled to me, by way of a picture of a positive pregnancy test, that she’s expecting. She had her first ultrasound last week and she sent me a picture. The baby is doing fine. I’m trying to be happy for her, but it’s really hard. Part of me wants to say something about how seeing positive tests and ultrasounds are painful for me, but I don’t know where to start or if it’s even possible to say this without sounding like an asshole.

Gym Pact

After getting off to a great start in the fall, I completely fell of the bandwagon for working out. I’d gone over a month without entering the gym when Hubby asked if it would be easier for me if he went with me to the gym. I enthusiastically answered yes, and starting last week we are now getting up at 5:15am together to go to the gym. I participate in classes while he goes to the machine area and works on cardio and strength training. It’s much easier having a partner in my workout endeavors.


On Jan 21 we participated in our local women’s march, and it was an amazing experience. It’s been hard to remain positive when so many awful things have happened in the past month. It has also become increasingly awkward to be around my conservative parents. It’s like there’s an elephant in the room every time we get together, and I hate feeling like I have to walk on eggshells to avoid a political debate. I cannot understand how they can be supportive of this administration, but nonetheless they are wholeheartedly embracing the sweeping changes which are taking place. It kind of breaks my heart, and I’m having trouble getting over my disappointment in them.

So again, not an incredibly positive update, but at least things are progressing.

Mini IVF 5-done, and some other updates

On Tuesday, November 15 I underwent my final round of mini IVF. The retrieval went smoothly, and they got 5 eggs which is the most eggs they’ve ever retrieved. After surgery I had two wonderful friends over who helped me decorate for the holidays. Yes, I put up my tree 6 weeks early, but after the election I needed to come home to a bright and cheery house each night. A week later I got the call that 2 embryos made it, and we now have 9 frozen embryos waiting to transfer. Nine potential babies just waiting for me.

I was very excited at the prospect of a December transfer, and asked my Dr what my next steps would be. It turns out, the next step is not a transfer. I have a uterine polyp that was discovered almost 2 years ago during my HSP. My dr wants to get this removed before we move forward, which I totally understand will give us the best chance possible of a successful transfer. What I don’t understand is why this took so long. I’ve had this polyp for two years, and there have been plenty of time periods where I haven’t been doing retrievals, so why the heck didn’t we remove this sooner? Also, we did a transfer (for my chemical, Ember) last year, and wouldn’t it have made sense to remove this polyp before that transfer? What if this is the reason Ember didn’t make it? I can’t let myself stay in this mindset for long or I start to get really upset.

Oh, and I got word last week that my acupuncturist has been taken out of network for my insurance, so that won’t be covered anymore.

So, the polyp removal will be done by my regular OB, and I got the soonest appointment they had, which is January 9. This is for a consult, and I’m assuming to schedule surgery. Assuming the surgery happens in January, I have to wait 6 weeks for healing, and then I’ll start my meds for a transfer. So, my transfer is now going to be at least 3-5 months away.

To make matters worse, I had accepted that I would have to wait for my transfer, when I received a treatment calendar on Thursday in preparation for a transfer in January. I was so excited, thinking that something must have changed and we could do the transfer right after my surgery. It wasn’t until Friday, when i talked to the nurse about my BC start date, that we discovered that this calendar was sent by mistake, and I wouldn’t be doing a transfer in January. Let’s just say that I’m REALLY glad I had therapy already scheduled for that day.

To say I’m feeling disappointed is a massively huge understatement. I am LIVID and feeling completely left behind. Most of my fellow bloggers have already had their miracle baby’s, or are due in the next few months. I went to support group last week and out of 9 women, I was the only one who wasn’t pregnant or already had a baby. I know that the reason I’m not pregnant is because we haven’t done a transfer and there is no conceivable way I could have conceived in the last year, but that doesn’t really make it any easier when even those who have faced the same struggles as you have come out on the other side while you still can’t seem to make it over the dang fence.

Even KM, my dearest friend, who faced years of infertility and a miscarriage in the summer of 2015, is due next month. I went to her baby shower last weekend and it was beautiful and understated and perfect. While I was there I had terrible stomach cramps and couldn’t figure how why I felt so sick when I hadn’t eaten anything. At the end of the shower I told KM how sick I’d been, and she reminded me that this happened at her son Evan’s 4th birthday party. I’d completely forgotten. So apparently even when I’m feeling like I’m ok in difficult situations such as this, my body decides that I need to suffer with physical symptoms.

I talked to a friend recently who I have been distancing myself from for quite some time. She and I were best friends at one point, but for some reason I’ve found I have a hard time being around her, which in turn makes me feel awful because she’s done nothing wrong. Anyhow, she bought a house with her boyfriend back in March after 6 months of dating, which I think is crazy. During our recent conversation I learn that she and her boyfriend have been TTC, and she had a miscarriage last month. This is awful to say, but I didn’t feel very sorry for her. Here I am trying to do everything in the proper order- marriage, house, kid- and she just skips the first step entirely. I hate feeling like this because I know her experiences have no impact on what I’m going through. And I know I should beat myself up about feeling this way, but I can’t seem to help it.

We’re also looking into refinancing our home because we have run out of finances to pay for treatment, which is not something I ever imagined we would need to do. We’ll cash out what we need to pay for treatments and to pay off our CC debt, and have to learn to stick to a budget afterwards. I think we can do it, but it’s going to be a big change for us.

I guess I’ll end this depressing update with the one positive change I’ve made in the last few months. I joined a gym. I’d been putting off starting a fitness regimen because I didn’t want to do it and because I felt that I wouldn’t be able to continue to work out once I was pregnant, but I realized this is ridiculous and that I’d be better off if I had at least a basic level of fitness before becoming pregnant. So, I’m doing classes at least 3x/week at 6:00am. I haven’t been tracking any changes because my scale is broken, but I feel so much better, and have noticed that my clothes fit me differently.

So, yea, right now I’m in a pretty rough spot, which is saying something considering how I’ve felt over the last year. Next year has got to be better than this.



With a Broken Heart

***Quick IF update because I am immensely overdue. Thank you to everyone who helped me last month when I had to decide whether to go through with another retrieval. I decided that I wanted no regrets, and so I’m doing a retrieval sometime next week. Hopefully this will be the last one.***

How do I begin to describe the heartache that today has brought? I woke up in a country I don’t recognize. I woke up in a country full of people who are bigots, sexists, and psychopaths. People who are willing to accept a man as the LEADER OF THIER NATION who brags about sexually assaulting women, who incites violence against his political enemies, who has called for the mass deportation of millions of Americans, who is likely to undo so much of the progress our country has made in the last 8 years. Somehow, inexplicably, this man was elected.

Last night as I tracked the election results, I felt like I was in another reality. I was in a world where hate Trumped over love. Where progress will be reversed. Where minorities will be discriminated against. Where walls will be built, and the glass ceiling will slip further out of reach.

I am not upset because my candidate lost. That is a part of the democratic process. I’m devastated because this despicable man was elected by our broken electoral system. How many elections will be ruined by the electoral college before something changes? When will the popular vote, the vote of the people, matter?

I was raised by conservative parents who supported this man, and I don’t know how to accept this. I can’t figure out how to separate family and politics. I can’t begin to comprehend how my parents- my loving, rational parents, could promote this hate filled man.

Dealing with the aftermath of this disaster is compounded by the fact that hubby is out of town for work, and I’m sitting alone in an empty house. I’m surrounded by cats, and I feel so alone. All I want is a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but my house is lacking these things, and I can’t even turn to my family for comfort. Hubby should be home by Friday night, and that can’t come soon enough.

The only source of hope I see in this dark time is that 1. Trump did not win the popular vote. This means that more people were against him than wanted to see him become their president. 2. The young demographic voted very strongly for Hillary. This gives me hope for the future, although it does not alleviate my fear for the near future. I have to seek the light in this situation because otherwise I cannot fathom bringing a child into this world. All I’ve wanted for years and years is to become a mom, and now I’m trying to figure how how I will explain yesterday to my future children.

I will accept this outcome because I have to, but I will never be ok with it. Shame on us.

mini IVF 4- advice needed

I know I haven’t blogged or been keeping up with anyone’s progress, and I do feel kinda bad about it. But, I had to step away for awhile because I was becoming overwhelmed with thoughts of infertility. The distance has been good and allowed me to focus on other things.

However, I’m facing a really difficult choice right now and I have no idea what I should do. I had my retrieval yesterday, and 2 of the eggs fertilized. If they both make it to day 5, then I will have 7 frozen embryos. You may remember that I really wanted to have 8 embryos before I started doing transfers. Once I stop doing retrievals, I’m pretty sure I won’t ever do them again. So the question is do I keep going for one more embryo, or do I allow myself to stop and be ok with having one less embryo than I’d planned?

I have now done 5 retrievals in a little over a year, and I am emotionally exhausted. I really want to just call it quits and start transferring. But, I’m worried I’ll end up regretting stopping early. I have three choices lined up and I can’t make up my mind, so I’m asking for your opinion to hopefully help me make a decision.

Option 1. Stop the retrievals at the current number of embryos and start transferring.

Option 2. Do one more retrieval.

Option 3. Stop retrievals and do a transfer. If the first transfer doesn’t stick, then go back in for one final retrieval.

Thoughts?! Please and thank you.



Mini IVF 4- it’s over

I can’t believe I haven’t updated before now, although I guess it’s followed my pattern over the last few months. Anyhow, this round of Mini IVF went pretty ok.

My retrieval took place on Monday, July 25. The timing wasn’t great as I had to miss one of the last days at work with my teen volunteers, but there is no controlling when my body decides it’s ready, and I just had to let it go. At least hubby was home this time. My surgery was scheduled for 12:30, so we got there at 11:30. An ultrasound showed that all 5 follicles were still in place, so the surgery was definitely happening. I went to the area where I was to wait for surgery, got into my gown, cap, and booties, and dutifully took my Oxytocin and Valium. About 30 mins later I was walked back for surgery.

They loosely tied me down, and the surgery began. There was music to listen to, but I didn’t have a nurse by my head, and that definitely made me more anxious. The surgery was uncomfortable as usual, but it was over pretty quickly, and they got 3 eggs. I had to recover for awhile on my own, because the room where hubby was supposed to do his sample wasn’t available. Annoying, but in the end it all worked out ok.

After we left the surgery center we went to lunch. After lunch the nausea started, so I slept on the way home, and a bit more when we got home. I had to get up at 5 though, because I needed to work from 6-8. Hubby drove me to and from work that night because I was still a little loopy from the drugs. I was covering for someone so that they could attend a concert, so I needed to be there. Luckily, it was an uneventful night

The next day I received the call that 2 of the 3 eggs had fertilized. I was disappointed, because usually all of the eggs at least fertilize. I was very worried for the rest of the week that I would only get 1 or maybe none from this cycle. Luckily, my worrying was for naught, as both eggs made it to day 5 and were frozen. The nurse who told me this also mentioned that they were fair quality. My embryos have, up to this point, been of good quality. There are any number of reasons I can think of for this: 

-since I have diminishing reserve, maybe my quality is decreasing

-for the first time, my left ovary was the one to produce the most. Maybe the eggs from the left are worse quality

-we went ahead with the meds, even though I was already on CD11, so my surgery was on CD26, which might have had an effect on quality

I could keep guessing, but I won’t waste energy on that. We got two more, and now we have 5 frozen embryos. All we need is 3 more, and I’m ready to switch to FET.

Honestly, I’m feeling exhausted. Infertility is a marathon that I didn’t want to sign up for, and I’m so over it, but I won’t let myself quit. At the beginning of these banking cycles, I told myself I want 8 embryos, because once I have that I’m not going to do anything but transfers, and if those don’t work, I’ll figure out a new plan. It’s hard, but I’m going to stick it out to the end.

My next round of mini IVF will be in October. My REs schedule is full for Sept, and with the results of this last round, I don’t mind the idea of giving my body a break. This means I will not become pregnant while I’m 34 since my birthday is in Oct, but I’m ok with that. At least once I’m 35 insurance will help cover genetic screening for when I do finally conceive. So, for now I’m going to continue acupuncture, and pretend I’m just anyone else trying to get pregnant, and not a women who has been struggling with Infertility for 5 years.