Last Monday I went to therapy expecting my usual session. I would tell her how awful I had been feeling about my failed FET, and we would talk about adoption, and maybe spend some time on how my mom has been reacting to my news. We did go over all of that, but my therapist said a few things that caused something amazing to happen.
She asked me if I’ve been feeling alone, and I said I have, although it was hard to pinpoint why since I have such a supportive husband. She also asked what my hubby thought about the decision not to adopt, and I said I figured he was supportive, although as usual he didn’t actually say much. All of this made me realize that I really didn’t know how hubby was doing or what he was feeling. I knew he was supportive of me, but maybe I hadn’t been communicating with him very well.
So, when I got home I asked hubby what his thoughts were on adoption. I told him to disregard anything I had said and my feelings, and asked if he wanted to adopt. He said that he did. That he really wants to be a father. Honestly, I had no idea that it was important to him. He never said anything to me about it, and was never interested in other people’s kids.
I asked him why he hadn’t said anything, or mentioned any of this when I’ve poured my heart out to him in the past. And his answer, my friends, I think qualifies him as the best husband in the world. He said that he didn’t want to tell me how much he wanted kids because he did not want me to carry that guilt if I’m not able to conceive.
We talked some more about adoption, and I told him why I’m so worried about it. Not just the difficulties of raising an adopted child, but also the cost, the home inspections (our house is currently a construction zone), and the fact that receiving a baby is not a guarantee that you will get to raise that child since the birth mom has up to a year to change her mind. He said that all of my reasoning sounded logical, and that I was probably right. But, adoption is back on the table for now.
Somehow, I had gotten it into my head that my husband didn’t care if we ever had children. So, in essence I was doing all of the IF treatments for myself, so that I could have a child- not so that we could be parents. I didn’t even realize that I’d come to this conclusion until last week. But, thinking back, I’ve felt this way for a really long time. I’ve been so exhausted because I’ve felt entirely alone.
I don’t feel alone anymore, and I can’t begin to describe how great that feels. Yes, there is the fear that if we cannot have a child, I will be letting down myself and my husband. But, we will get through it together, because I now know that we both want the same thing. I feel a renewed sense of purpose, and I have the energy to move forward.